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Not a day goes by when I look up in the sky or in this case, the ceiling of my room or at work in the office and wonder “what is it that I have to do to make this hobby of mine into something of a full time job and for it to work” – rather than just survive and constantly lying to myself so I can get a day completed to move onto the next day of the same “shit”.
What is the point of all this?
You see, you read and you witness others who get away with selling fan art, doing terrible commissions for a high rate of a price yet, sell horrible designs for posters / canvases and t shirts... yet they do all right and don’t get in trouble. And some how produce outcomes even fan arts that you know your style is better? Yet when I do try to do commissions for others, all I get at the end of it, is a big head ache and heart ache. (see previous journal - holy shit did i rant on that one)
But when we do this, when we had enough of witnessing others doing the same exact thing, and try to sell fan arts our selves., “oh hell nooooooooo...” we are slapped with warnings, threats, suspension, dmca complaints... unlicensed use or fair use... illegal use... the list of ‘don’ts’ are never ending yet there are others stealing other peoples work and they get away with it, while we get in trouble for selling our own fan work. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right.. well if you've seen the random negative stuff I've seen as well experiencing the negatives of vectoring and commission work.. your mind begins to break. Which is unhealthy and that's when I panic and fall into depression.
Is this rant about fan arts again... don’t know, but it feels like it though... honestly I don’t know what this journal is about or why I typing this when I should be talking to someone about it. But when I do... I get this bull shit answer from everyone... “Just go out and do it...” or at most cases.. people will ignore you.
Regarding the advice from others and friends - “DO WHAT??!!!!” Go out and ask for help?, go out and look for information or guidance?, go on the internet to look for tips, helps and the next step of being successful? But with the search results you are bombarded with unlimited amount of either true facts or bull shit facts that will either encourage you to do more or leave you into a downward spiral...
You book mark music, you book mark pages on info, we book mark ‘things’ that we hope that can motivate us in the right direction... but all of that are steps of surviving a day to endure another day of the same endless dead end..
You draw, you play, you read - you train... I always end up in the same spot... friends won’t help they will never help you, family can only support you so much in the end they don’t know what to do but hope you don’t fall down .. Your own mind plays against you; your body becomes numb and lazy... so why continue with the hobby of art? Why invest so much time into something that was supposed to be fun - that ‘art’ becomes the illness or the virus you give to yourself? And for what reason?
For exposure for your art? For numbers / likes via facebook or twitter? For comments? – For what? Are we doing this art or this hobby of art to please others and hopefully one day get a lucky break so the world can see or a small portion of a group to see your work?
Right now, I don’t know why or what I am doing with myself with this... fan vectors is becoming something I dread at most times... because of the silly rules out there ‘regarding fan arts and its use’ that restrict you from doing or excelling a bit further forward into the right direction. And at the same time investment in a picture with hours of work in to it for nothing. I also dread vectoring, coz at most all we do is sit on our desk and draw and I feel like there is more to this.. - we pay for exhibitions.. well use to now.. the rate for hiring any exhibition for your work is dogs ballocks, most places here in london, depending on the location will charge over a thousand pounds.. one day exhibitions are a couple of hundreds.. it's madness. All we ever do, when we don't have anything else, is spend time drawing.. although it may sound nice, it will honestly drive you mad unless you have music or films playing in the background to suppress your thoughts from looping your those negatives memories or 'what ifs'
This may be taken out of context but why is it when photographers take picture of public places / properties and sell for print and canvas, they are ok or in the safe zone, but when fan arts digital or hand drawn from references, changes made and altered depending on the artists / hobbyists style.. They get hailed with bullets of ‘threats and suspensions’
What is this journal leading into? Fuck knows... they are rambles of a person who is burnt out, tired of people telling me ‘that you can make a living out of this – just go out there and do it’ - DO EXACTLY WHAT? you don't think I tried, i've tried and failed.. which is why i do the vectors for fun.. i can't seem to make it work, i've declined on the commissions due to the stress and pressure from others not liking the rates and the god forsaken replies of changes to the vector portrait.. makes me wonder if I am vectoring the correct image they provided me, or they are looking at a different image.. the demands can be ridiculous and unfair. It becomes a heavy weight and not enjoyable task.
Only reason why I brought this up was from a conversation I had with some strangers at the pub, one of those local meet up with friends of their friends, to cut it short there was a photographer and she lectured me into why I can’t sell fan arts.. Which I already know in advance, but she was one that wanted to school you and make you look bad in front of others, coz photographers are cool and we have super high ego (not all photographers, there are some I love.. it;s just that you get one or two of those pricks who give their field a bad name) ... so when i turned around and argued about photographers taking landscape shots (as an example)... there is nothing original about that, it’s flat out stealing work if you didn’t ask the landlord permission to take a picture of his or her land, and you guys get it easy. The conversation turned nasty, when I blew things out of content and also put other thoughts into context ... but that’s how i felt about it when this conversation occurred and when she tried to make me feel uneducated about my own vector arts.
People need to understand that most of us are not wired properly or have not yet become strong or independent enough to be confident in handling ‘stuff’ – whatever stuff means to you – fuck it.. I don’t know... you know what... fuck this. There are a lot of people who are ‘slow’ – that needs time to fix, work and adapt with ‘help’ and ‘guidance’ – you ignorant fucks out there who give out these amazing advice on how to become successful are different from us / others.. We are not built the same.
Maybe you are wired correctly, most of us are not. Maybe that’s the difference... maybe when you decide to give help... give ‘proper help’ – assure the person that this is tough, hard, it’s not easy and this is what you need to do and where to go.. you know steps by steps. Don’t just say ‘this and that’ and then make yourself feel good by saying ‘I did something all right, I gave advice and I feel good’ – what advice or help did they provide? Jack shit... i say.
For example on a daily, I get questions on how I do my vectors, straight up. I tell them i don't have a tutorial or a video guide, coz i am terrible at those and don't have the time to mock one up. I get that out of the way, then I advise viewers or fans, to YouTube key words ‘vectoring guide’ not the speed videos... the actually guide when the user explains the tutorial, those ones you look for... i reveal that I use the pen tool. If anything ‘the pen tool’ is the key to vectoring, so if you can look for guides via YouTube, you want to search for video guides rather than blogs or pages describing how to vector. 70% of them reply thanks for the useful tip and direction. I feel good about that coz I know i pointed them at the right direction on where to look for and what to learn regarding vectoring and pen tool. Rather than say ‘YouTube it’ – YouTube what?!!!!
It’s only just now that I just thought of this with all this bull crap I do to myself... “What is the meaning of art” – a lot of people will have their own theory of this based on their current successful life style. So more likely they will respond with a positive kinder comment about ‘the meaning of art;
Here’s my 2 cents on ‘the meaning of art’ based on my current surroundings as well as my mental state.
Maybe, just maybe the meaning of art, isn’t really about art... it’s an art to survive and endure all the negatives that are forms of art... forms of lies, forms of restrictions.. Because man invented rules to keep balance... but balance will always be broken since there are others who will not follow rules and steal work to make some money or a lot of money... there is no originality, there is nothing new, only ways of copyrighting each other to no ends... restrictions to creativity, restrictions to a hobbyist, delusion artist and photographers ego will never be companions, all this chaos.. all this inside a broken mind of a hobbyist bullied by restrictions and threatened by ‘names’ – rather uniting together – we divide and create battles on a ground that is meant to be creative and fun. The meaning of art, is a path or choice to either accept or change... to survive and endure your own battles... a path that will never make any sense but will take years out of you and will break you down bit by bit. It will break you mentally and physically... so i say “survive and endure” and just do the best you can to enjoy what it is you enjoy... drawing, vectoring, taking pictures... mix media work... all you can do... is do your very best my friends.. SURVIVE AND ENDURE.
Or is the meaning of art.. is to let go and pursue something else...
Sorry for the rant.. had to get this off my chest, it weighed a lot on my shoulders...